What is it, with us women, when looking for love?

We often struggle to cut our losses and quit, even when all the signs are pointing in the same miserable direction. There is something within us that causes us to ignore or dismiss the most obvious red flags whilst grabbing onto the smallest reason to keep hope alive. I know that this is true because I have seen it played out again and again… and I have pondered it more times than I can count — and still can’t figure out exactly what it is that keeps a woman hanging on when all of the evidence is screaming “drop him like a white-hot brick… it isn’t too late to salvage your self-worth!”

Obviously, I am not suggesting that if a man doesn’t immediately get down on one knee and propose within five minutes of meeting (not a good sign if he does, by the way!) he should be written off as a time-wasting user — that would be ridiculous! There is a difference between a guy who is easing himself into a relationship and one who is playing fast and loose. The headfuck of blowing hot and cold should become glaringly obvious within a relatively short space of time!

But before we get to the 12 possible reasons we might allow the headfuck to continue, let’s ponder a few pertinent questions:

Why do we continue to obsess over, analyse, and seek to justify a situation we would advise our best friend to run far away from?

Why do we ask for advice, only to react defensively… and then ignore it?

Why do we hang onto the guy who excludes us from key aspects of his life, holding us at arm’s length before pulling us back in again — only to push us away once more when he feels like it?

Why are we constantly thinking about him even when he hasn’t texted for days/weeks/months?

What is so great about a man who has ‘commitment issues’, whilst keeping us within reach?

What makes us believe that, if we just hang on, he will suddenly become the loving, attentive, exclusive partner we are really hoping for?

Anyway, we’ve finally arrived (drum roll, please) – so prepare to recognise yourself in at least a few of the following 12 reasons for not walking away from a love interest who is screwing with your mind and your self-worth:

1) You believe that he is the ‘only’ man for you — that no one else could possibly make you feel the way he does

2) You have placed the object of your desire on a sky-high pedestal and now, in your mind, he has become a fantasy figure rather than the ordinary man he actually is

3) You are afraid that you will never meet anyone else and so have to try to make this work

4) Your self-worth has taken a back seat in favour of self-sabotage

5) You erroneously believe that if you have to fight so hard for him it means that you are destined to be together

6) You have developed a belief that love should be intense and painful — and that if it isn’t, it isn’t ‘real’

7) You want to be the woman to tame this man

8) You want to ‘save’ him and be the only woman who has ever really loved and understood him

9) You want to win out over his ex — to be more meaningful to him than she ever was

10) You like drama and having something emotional to wrestle with — and someone to obsess over. It makes life more interesting

11) You have unresolved issues from past relationships that you are unconsciously trying to work out through this situation

12) You are behaving like a silly idiot, harbouring unrealistic, idealistic notions of ‘love’ that are never going to translate into real life!

When all is said and done, what is it all really about?

Well, it isn’t love, because that is not how love behaves and feels.

It could be infatuation, it could be lust, it could be co-dependence… but it certainly isn’t love, no matter what we tell ourselves or how much we try to convince others.

It could also be the pain of rejection. I have, over the years, discovered just how powerful that little f****r can be, and how it can convince us that we have to follow the situation through to the bitter end. Usually, in the hopes of achieving an outcome that justifies the time we have wasted and the emotional pain we have endured. The rejector always has the upper hand and, more often than not, has the last word too.

Are you squirming with embarrassment? Good!

If you are now cringing or feeling defensive, excellent! That means you have recognised that some of your beliefs and actions are hindering rather than helping you. But don’t be too hard on yourself; the mind can be completely closed whilst the heart is dangerously wide open!

If you honestly do want to break the cycle, then take the first step today. Sometimes, we just have to find the strength to walk away and leave an unresolvable mess behind. Not everything in life can be resolved in the way we would ideally like, and we just have to let the injustice go — for the sake of our sanity and our future!

Romantic relationships are a natural part of life’s rich pattern — not to mention an important learning curve. Give it a chance, give it the benefit of the doubt — but only for so long. If necessary, shape up and ship out. Always remember what Nancy Sinatra so assertively told us, all those years ago: “These boots are made for walkin’…”