It’s true, actions generally speak louder than words. However, men and women use words — as a communication tool — differently. Women often take words literally and more seriously than men do, especially where matters of the heart are concerned. They also tend to dissect and analyse what a man says, especially at the start of a new love interest or relationship… sometimes putting two and two together and coming up with five. It’s difficult enough, under everyday circumstances, for human beings to genuinely understand each other. Add the intensity of emotionally charged, romantic investment, and the potential for confusion increases a zillion-fold.

Let me give you an example from my past.

I had been single again for around six months, before venturing into the world of online dating. I began talking with a guy whose picture showed him to be attractive and fun, extremely tall and well-built. He took to texting and calling me a lot, especially very early in the morning whilst he was at work. Several times he talked about meeting up and the things we would do together. Twice, we organised a date, time, and meeting place — and twice he failed to appear. He came up with elaborate stories to explain his absence, which I did my best to convince myself were feasible. Until one boring Sunday afternoon when I decided to grab the bull by the horns and head off down the motorway to visit him. I called him and asked for his address — and although he did his best to hide it, the panic in his voice was obvious. Stuttering and stumbling over his words, he finally produced a ‘reason’ for not being able to see me that day. It was only then I finally acknowledged that this guy’s words meant Jack S**t… whilst his actions revealed his true intentions. I can’t remember whether I ever spoke to him again, but I think not. Looking back, I doubt that the guy in the picture on his profile was even him. It is also likely that he had a partner, and maybe even children… who knows? There were plenty of red flags furiously waving right under my nose (such as the times of day he would contact me) — but his words kept me hanging on (because I so wanted to hear such stuff at that time).

My rule of thumb.

Scenarios similar to the above have been described to me probably thousands of times throughout my 30-year career. When in doubt, my rule of thumb is to measure a man’s actions against his words. If they match, fantastic — even if it means that things are not the way we wanted them to be. Better to know where we stand than to waste time on a fantasy! If, however, his words and actions are mismatched, or if he consistently makes promises that he doesn’t keep, or if he says one thing but does another — pay attention to his actions (or lack of them), rather than his seductive words! I ain’t man-bashing here, by the way. I’m just trying to be helpful.

Of course, if you are in an established relationship with joint responsibilities and financial interests, and your partner is always ready with an answer, an excuse, or a rebuttal, then it is much harder to resolve than when you are at the love interest stage. People will often defend their behaviour almost to the death. If you find yourself regularly struggling with a partner whose actions are consistently at odds with what they swear is true, I feel for you. Been there and done that, with two different, long-term relationships in particular. In both cases, I ended up leaving.

No one is perfect, and we women have our peculiar little ways too, which often baffle and annoy men. We can be guilty of saying something with our mouths that is not backed up by our actions. However, in my experience, when men do it, they do it exceptionally well!

Keep your feet on dry land!

So, if you are getting to know another person romantically, don’t immediately go jumping in with both feet (I cannot tell you how many times I have advised this, mostly to deaf ears). If, over an acceptable amount of time, you recognise that there is a lot of talk without much actual action, then the alarm bells should be ringing. Just to be sure, you could try being politely forthright, gauge the reaction, and then respond accordingly. If you haven’t already thrown yourself in headfirst then you won’t be in so deep that you can’t jump ship without too much heartache!

What you are willing to accept is something only you decide. It all comes down to, how precious is your self-worth? I am not suggesting that every single word uttered by a POI should be scrutinised and tested. That would be unreasonable. What I am saying is that, within reasonable time limits, there should be some degree of putting the money where the mouth is — if the person in question is above board and sincere.