Appearances would suggest that the adult world is awash with great sex. Passionate couples, barely able to keep their hands off each other, are engaging in hot and sweaty bedroom gymnastics. Every night. Several times a night.

However, appearances can be deceptive and I’ve come to seriously question them. Here’s why.

More and more frequently, women are confiding in me that they and their partner haven’t indulged for weeks… or months… or even years. And these are not all middle-aged, been-there-and-done-it-and-bought-the-tee shirt-brigade. Nope — even twenty-somethings are finding themselves in the same position (and it isn’t missionary). So, what’s going on? Why are more and more people involuntarily abstaining? I say involuntarily because, in most cases, having less sex isn’t a conscious, considered decision — it’s just ended up working out that way.

The main reason, I think, is that human souls are knackered. The spirit might be willing… but the flesh can’t muster itself to dredge up the energy. Plus, even the most positive among us feel habitually depressed, in a vague kind of way. Which isn’t sexy.

On top of that, life has become so busy that when people finally crawl into bed at night, morning is only so many precious hours away — and they can’t be frittered. Squeezing in as much sleep as possible, before it is time to rinse and repeat, becomes of utmost importance – and if sex is on the agenda, it needs to be quick.

And quick sex is okay, I suppose. But not every time. Plus, when it becomes routine, it’s just as easy not to bother.

Another problem appears to be mutual irritation and tension. Two stressed, worried, exhausted people, sharing a home and a bed, often develop the habit of sniping at each other. When it comes time to climb between the sheets, underlying resentment tends to dull the desire for sexual connection — especially where women are concerned (though men can feel the same way, too).

On the other hand, it strikes me that thinking, ambitious, hard-working people are having a lot less sex than their complacent, unambitious, lazy counterparts. They appear to be having lots of it and reproducing as if the human race is about to become extinct. Those who were familiar with the offensive, mind-numbing television show, Jeremy Kyle (before it was mercifully dropped from our screens), regularly reached for the sick bag as greasy-haired, toothless, overweight carcasses openly admitted to having slept with a dozen equally repugnant examples (usually related to each other, in some way). I used to wonder what the sex was actually like — and retched — imagining animal-like humping on dirty sheets, the air heavy with grunting and the smell of sweat and unwashed genitalia. Of course, that might sound like a dream come true to anyone who hasn’t been getting any for a very long time…

However, back to the great washed and their clean sheets. I think that sex is so commonplace, and has been shoved in people’s faces (metaphorically speaking) for so long, that there’s little mystery or allure, nowadays. Even teenagers have easy access to porn, which is a dreadful indictment of the world. Sex has become, for many, many couples, something to include in the diary. It has to be pre-planned — or, be part of an established routine (say, every Saturday morning). It’s becoming less important than a hundred other things that busy people have to do — and, the less it is done, the less it is missed, so it seems. A woman I used to know would say that once she got going she was okay… but it was the getting going that was the problem. Another used to say “Sex? I’d rather have a pork chop.” And I believed her. Mind you, her husband once trimmed an inch off the top of their living room door instead of the bottom, after having a new, thick carpet laid. Maybe he made a habit of being at the wrong end.

If you and your partner genuinely want to breathe new life into bedroom time (regardless of which room it occurs in), but can’t quite get it going, it doesn’t mean you don’t care about each other or find each other physically desirable — it’s just life getting in the way. Don’t allow it to become a ‘thing’. Don’t believe that your relationship is doomed. It might be more satisfying and productive to have one, pre-organised, glorious session once a month (or even every couple of months), than more regular duty-sex. And sex isn’t just about foreplay and penetration — affectionate physical contact keeps the intimacy alive, be it in the form of a hug, hand-holding, or a spontaneous kiss. And let us never underestimate the importance of sincere compliments and appreciation. It’s amazing what they sometimes lead to…