“You just need to be more positive!”

This is a statement that has increasingly irked me. You can even imagine the tone of voice used, without needing to hear the words. Slightly high-pitched, encouraging in a patronising way, as if addressing a child. No adult is going to respond well to this — especially when what they really want to do is howl at the moon or punch someone in the face. Or both.

But how do we ‘be’ positive? We can have thoughts that are generally considered to be positive — and we can behave as if we are having thoughts that are positive. We can have a feeling of positivity… but it isn’t a permanent part of who we are. It’s something that we can (sometimes but not always) — do. We can’t be it. We can only act it.

It’s a dark world

Let’s face it, there is plenty to feel negative about in this world. I mean, shit loads. All we have to do is to take a quick look around. There’s always, without respite, something horrible going on somewhere. Sometimes it’s in our own home. Or it might be next door, up the road, in a different town, city, or country. And if we’re struggling to find anything close enough to home to remind us how awful life can be, there’s always the internet. It’ll never let us down. If it’s misery, dread, fear, or self-loathing we’re looking for, there it will be. It is a guaranteed, unavoidable fact of life (apart from that we’re all going to die one day).

If you haven’t yet clicked off this post in disgust or cut your own throat in despair, I appreciate you. You’re one of my tribe. You understand that any idiot can ‘be’ positive when life is going the way we want it to, or, at the very least, not as crap as usual. If you were feeling especially non-positive today you probably wouldn’t be reading this anyway – because even the title would have pissed you off. “Oh, that’s just another click-baity heading designed to lure me into some lecture about being positive” you’d have seethed, instead seeking out something disturbing and outrageous that weirdly soothes your inner rage. I get it. When we’re in that place, sugar and spice and all things nice make us want to vomit blood. Only something that validates our current view of the world is acceptable. It tides us over until we emerge from the dark, limp and exhausted, shielding our eyes from the light… into the no man’s (person’s) land that lies between negative and positive. That place in which, albeit briefly, we don’t have to think or feel too much. 

Avoid the swamp-dwellers

So, we’ve established that negativity is a valid state of mind. An integral part of life. However, even negativity can be abused and misused.

There are people you will do your utmost to avoid, at all costs. Because they aren’t negative, in the ordinary sense – they are swamp-dwelling, bottom-feeders who couldn’t give a toss about you. Unless your story is just a preamble to theirs. The purpose of their existence has become to spread a veil of misery and unhappiness wherever they tread. Human dementors, they suck you dry of life force with their very presence – but enough is never enough. They need the next fix, and then the next. A bitter divorce or breakup. Their many, many health issues. Their anxiety and depression. Their unreasonable expectations of life. Their victimhood. Their righteousness. The subject doesn’t matter – the intention is always the same. To claim the title of most unjustly treated human soul in the world. 

The trouble is, if you’re a reasonably caring person with an attitude of gratitude, you will probably have tried to help a committed dementor. You might have even well-meaningly muttered “Try to be positive” – only to receive a long-suffering sigh and “Oh, but I am positive. That’s what’s kept me going, despite all of my problems”… before immediately launching a re-run of why life has got it in for them. 

Superior ‘positivity’

On the other hand, positivity is overrated. It too can be abused, even used as a weapon of destruction. Having been around the psychic and spiritual arena for 35-plus years, my observation is that ‘spiritual’ people can be amongst the most adept where passive-aggressive behaviour is concerned. And God help you if you express unhappy or anxious thoughts around one of these ‘evolved’ beings. I have, and the slap-downs are swift and vicious. “You’re so negative. You’ve attracted this into your life. You’re giving the universe the wrong message.” And such like responses. In reality, these people are too fragile to cope with what they perceive as negativity. They see themselves as superior and wise, but they aren’t. They’re fearful and in denial. They are also very, very bad for the mental and emotional health of anyone who is going through a tough time. 

Don’t be a dick

There is so much more I could say on this subject – but, as modern humans have the attention span of gnats, I’ll try to finish up (it’s a fact that few people stick with a video or blog post until the end. Write 10 words and they’ll read 5). Don’t try to ‘be’ positive – it won’t work. Don’t consistently squash your real feelings, feigning positivity. It’ll build up within you, over time, causing inner turmoil. If there is something to be mad, sad, or angry over, acknowledge it. But don’t be a dick. Expressing negative feelings is perfectly human and you don’t need to turn it into a drama or war zone. Conversely, recognise the people with whom not to share your negative feelings: Those who will try to shut you up because they can’t handle their own negativity; those who will use it as a platform to launch their own tales of woe; those who feel compelled to fix you, right there and then; those who don’t give a shit. Remember, there is a difference between being a soul who is feeling that, at this moment in time, everything is bad, unsolvable, unjust, and overwhelming – and a dementor whose intention is to steal your time, energy, and will to live (albeit unconsciously, because they never think or feel guilty about what they are doing). Thinking, feeling, and behaving positively are good things. But they aren’t always possible. So learn to embrace negativity – in a positive way.