He peed whilst he was on the phone to her. Yes, really. They’d matched on a dating site, had a couple of conversations… and then he did that.  

Hearing splashing in the background, she asked, shocked and mortified, “You aren’t having a wee, are you?” 

“Yes”, was the response. “It shows we’re comfortable with each other – and anyway, you’ll have to get used to it if we end up together.” 

Now, that should have been the absolute end of that little liaison. It should have been dead in the water. However, being a reasonable human being, she wondered if maybe she was just being uptight, as in, “Am I the arsehole for cutting this guy off for having a pee whilst talking to me?” And so she gave him another chance. Until he proudly informed her that, in the past, he’d been so into drugs that he’d done some serious damage to his nose. 

No, my dear, you’re not the arsehole – he is. 

But that wasn’t the worst of it. When she explained that she didn’t feel that it was ‘working’ between them, he became huffy and petty… and accused her of “thinking too much”. 

Never, ever, tell a smart, competent, self-reflective woman that she thinks too much. Even if the pissing and the snorting of drugs hadn’t been part of this guy’s sick idea of courtship, the thinking-too-much would have killed it stone dead. And if she’d fallen into a relationship with him, despite the furiously flapping red flags, I’d have been duty bound to kill her stone dead. I’m not serious, obviously – but you understand where I’m coming from. Why would a beautiful, intelligent, independent young woman even consider slumming it with a half-formed, socially inept lout, who, by his own admission, always leaves the seat up?

On the other hand, at least he was showing his true colours, upfront. Not like others she has met through dating apps, who definitely did not. Love bombing for the first few weeks, followed by increasing displays of extreme and inappropriate jealousy, was one. Love bombing for about 5 minutes before becoming aggressive, and informing her that she wasn’t feminine enough, was another.

And then there was the guy who quickly started to liken her to his mother, and not in a complimentary way. Also, the one who travelled a very long way to see her – only to cause a major row at their second meeting, before storming out… and then calling her a few hours later, as if nothing had happened. When questioned, he couldn’t see the problem. “It was just a bit of an argument” he said, as if it was a perfectly normal occurrence. You know, major nastiness on a second date… and the shortest honeymoon period in history. 

And let’s not forget the first-date situation which was going nicely, over a pleasant lunch and with easy conversation – until he suddenly thrust his hand inside the back of her trousers and pants. 

Other times, she has been unceremoniously left hanging by guys who have suddenly disappeared, or even blocked her, with no explanation, after appearing interested and chatty. An enthusiastic good-night message…  followed by permanent radio silence, the following morning.

However, the ones I have found the most intriguing are the smattering of head cases who have suddenly declared that they need ‘space’ and aren’t ready to think about dating after all, before they’ve even met – as if she’s bought the wedding dress, ordered the cake, and booked a venue. I’ve deemed these to be the most insulting of all the dating app oddballs, because the implication is that they are being smothered by a needy, clingy woman. After a few mutual conversations. It’s an ego trip and a head-fuck, rolled into one. Buy one, get one free. And sometimes, these “Please, you’re suffocating me with your responses to my messages” therapy cases have the audacity to start messaging again, after a short gap. 

So maybe, in hindsight, Mr PeePee with the coked-up nose isn’t the worst of what appears to me to be a whole load of mentally unstable, socially inept, unpredictable game players who aren’t actually looking for a healthy, loving relationship. Some are just hiding their fears and perceived flaws behind a made-up profile, too scared to actually put their money where their mouth is. They’ll talk the talk till the cows come home, but never walk the walk. 

Others are permanently keeping their options open, in case someone better comes along. Which never happens, because even if they did, there still might be someone better than her out there… so why settle?

And some are just nasty individuals – future control freaks, cheaters, or in possession of a penchant for aggressive behaviour. Roll up, roll up, get your future nightmare here.

The world of online dating is increasingly becoming a strange, unpredictable, and dangerous one, for both males and females. It needs to be navigated with extreme care and diligence, and is definitely not for the faint-hearted. Love can still be found, though, for the lucky (or persistent and resilient) few. Right now, there’s a promising situation unfolding with a match who appears normal, intelligent, considerate, and respectful. But we’ll reserve judgement, for a while longer at least. This could be it – but, just in case, let’s keep our fingers crossed that there isn’t some screwed up alter ego lurking in the wings, just ready and waiting to be released. I’ll keep you updated.