It appears that a lot of men are lousy at showing genuine curiosity when communicating with a potential love interest. And this isn’t me man-bashing. This is me reporting what I have heard from too many frustrated women who’ve struggled to get a word in edgeways, during the initial, getting-to-know-you process, with a guy who has expressed romantic interest in them. But who then yaks on and on about himself, barely pausing to take a breath. One disillusioned, single 30-something recently put the phone down on a guy who had talked non-stop for an hour about his ex-girlfriend’s ex, and how he’d put the bloke in his place, detailing who’d said what to whom. Before – adding insult to injury – calling her by the wrong name. It was disappointing but not surprising to her. The same old scenario, just a different guy.

But why do so many men engage in this tedious, unattractive behaviour when looking for love?

Well, according to my research, there are several reasons:

The need for validation

Insecurity

A desire to impress

Brain reward (talking about yourself activates brain areas associated with pleasure, making it inherently gratifying)

Showing off

Nervousness

Lack of social skills

Of course, I am not claiming that women aren’t ever guilty of the same behaviour. We all know that’s not true. However, evidence suggests that men are more likely to hold court when they’ve got a captive audience – especially one they hope to impress.

So, what is a girl to do when faced with a man who won’t shut up about himself?

She could interject, I suppose. She could reply to something he says with a snippet of information about herself – though that isn’t guaranteed to prompt an interested response, apparently. Often, the monologue simply continues. 

Or, she could ask what he would like to know about her. 

Or, she could be honest and tell him he’s talking too much.

Or, she could cut him off mid-sentence. And then block him on the dating app. Which might seem harsh, but probably not to those disappointed ladies whose ears have been assaulted for the umpteenth time, and whose sense of self-worth has taken yet another nose-dive. The guy’s already in love – with the sound of his own voice. 

So, single men, of any age, if you are seriously looking for love: Be warned! Don’t hog the conversation when communicating with a potential love interest. It doesn’t impress, and it doesn’t make you fascinating or desirable. Quite the opposite, in fact. You don’t need to interrogate her – that would be creepy. However, showing a genuine interest is an absolute must. The conversation should be a mutual experience – it should be about sharing, not dominating. Think how you’d feel if the lady in question rambled on and on about herself, and/or people you’ve never met. You wouldn’t be keen to take it any further, I’m sure. Well, here’s a news flash: It cuts both ways. 

However, it needs to be sincere. If your show of interest is really an attempt to charm and schmooze, don’t bother. You’ll only be wasting your own time and hers, in the long run. Most women have no desire to take on a project when looking for love (and neither do most men… even though that’s often what we find ourselves doing). Let’s face it, who wants to teach social skills to an adult, especially one we’d hoped to date? Nervousness is acceptable, and can be excused – but only initially. If it continues over several conversations, it becomes a red flag. The best, and most genuine, way to impress a woman is to be interested in her, whilst providing her with a sense of who you are, too. That’s important. It lays a foundation for trust (as long as you’re being truthful!). It isn’t difficult, it isn’t unreasonable, and it isn’t too much to ask. And if the lady in question is unresponsive or evasive in return, don’t be tempted to cover the awkwardness by over-talking. Politely end the conversation if she has nothing to say or is unwilling to allow it to develop. In any conversation, especially when the purpose is to get to know the other person better, non-responsiveness is as boorish as domination. 

So, don’t be just another gobby guy without an ounce of self-awareness. Don’t be the guy who keeps getting ghosted or blocked – except by desperate ladies whose self-worth has been so battered they’ll take whoever they can get (albeit temporarily). Be the guy who leaves her smiling, who causes her to feel good about herself – and about you. And even if it doesn’t work out romantically between you in the end, the experience will still have been a positive one. Win-win, rather than lose-lose.