I recently quit my main YouTube channel in a flurry of disappointment, resentment, and shame. Oh, and let’s not forget the crushing pain of rejection. Make no bones about it, YouTube has the power to cut your heart out, without anaesthetic, and toss it in the trash.

I started that channel maybe 10 years ago but still had only 188 subscribers. That should tell the whole story.

So, why did I continue to flog not just a dead horse, but a seriously decomposing one? And why didn’t I change my approach when I realised that I wasn’t attracting the engagement I had hoped for?

Because I convinced myself that I could make this work…

If I just did this or that. I dedicated endless hours to videos that assured me that I was failing because of my lousy thumbnails, title, and description. And that I wasn’t using the right keywords. Also, the quality of my videos wasn’t good enough.

I kept listening and I kept trying, but nothing made a jot of difference. Eventually, I was forced to take a long, hard look at why I wasn’t attracting attention and subscribers — and these were my conclusions:

Only a handful of people were interested in what I had to say — or, rather, how I said it.

And that was never going to change. I’m no good at buttering people up and flattering (manipulating) them. I don’t do “There there, it’ll all work out for you, you’re wonderful just as you are”, very well. I don’t regurgitate all of the other popular videos like so many YouTubers do, for the sake of views. Believe me, desperation has led me to try — but it stuck in my throat and choked me.

I was trying to convert people who couldn’t care less

I was on a crusade. I am a crusader by nature — but if few others share your view, or give a damn about the perceived problem, you’re peeing into the wind. And then it just blows back in your face.

I was providing realistic advice, based on personal and professional experience — but realistic doesn’t sell anymore

I was genuinely attempting to help viewers by cutting through the tsunami of platitudes, flattery, and false promises that swamp all social media platforms, courtesy of the spiritual and self-help ‘gurus’. Only to discover that most people actually prefer platitudes and false promises. It gives them hope. Empty hope, but hope nonetheless. As one annoying young thing smugly informed me “Your videos are negative”, finishing her comment with “The law of attraction, Leanne!”

I had so much to say I spread myself too thin

If one subject received little engagement, I talked about another that might be more attractive (selling my soul). This was probably one of the reasons that the mysterious and much-feared algorithm barely acknowledged my existence.

But there was one, highly important question that I really needed to ask myself, before deciding whether to continue or quit:

What is it, specifically, that you have been trying to achieve with this channel?

And it was a two-part answer:

Part 1: I genuinely wanted to use my 30-year professional experience to help others to help themselves. To cut through the time-wasting BS and therefore place themselves in a stronger position more quickly.

Part 2: I was increasingly craving validation. And that was the clincher — the deciding factor. I came, I tried, I didn’t conquer, and it was time to move on. For the sake of my mental and emotional health.

Having said all of that, I enjoyed many aspects of the process. I liked writing scripts, and I learned how to use WeVideo and Canva. I found editing to be a fun activity — at least until toward the end, when I didn’t bother using a script or editing. And in some ways this gave me free rein to be myself, metaphorical warts and all. Why jump through hoops when hardly anyone notices?

And I’m pleased to report that I didn’t come out of this experience feeling like a complete failure where YouTube is concerned. I have another channel I created around 3 years ago, which I haven’t added to for at least 12 months. It has almost three times the number of subscribers of my newly-abandoned, dead-as-a-doornail channel and has even gained a few, recently. The subject? Self-publishing, and a tongue-in-cheek look at the KDP snake-oil gurus who are raking it in on YouTube! Still crusading. I also have a hobby channel, purely for fun, featuring the little adventures my partner and I have on our motorbike trike. I have 15 subscribers – perfect!