Struggling to find love – do we need to step back and reassess?

From a professional standpoint, it is clear to me that finding a decent relationship with long-term potential is becoming increasingly difficult. Every day, emails from frustrated love-seekers find their way into my inbox – and the numbers are growing.

So, here’s a question? Is there a better way to view and approach the task of aligning ourselves with a compatible partner? I have noticed that certain underlying (or even obvious) emotions are often present when the question “Am I ever going to find love?” is asked:









Having read the comments below a variety of YouTube videos on the subject of finding love, I can say that bitterness and blame are definitely not uncommon! “All men are users”, “All of my past partners have cheated on me”, “Why do I always meet the wrong ones?”, “I can’t trust because I’ve been hurt in the past.” 

I’m not arguing with the above (well, not all of it). However, are those beliefs helping or hindering? We’re all going to be in a position where we’re crumpled and licking our wounds, probably more than once. Most of us have been on the receiving end of someone else’s appalling behaviour where romance is concerned, again, more than once. But is it possible to retain a sense of perspective and to continue to have faith and hope? Fortunately, I think that it is… however, before we get to that, here’s a bit of food for thought:

If we believe, even unconsciously, that finding a relationship will transform our lives, and that, without our ‘other half’ we aren’t complete, we’re weakening and disempowering ourselves. Most of us wouldn’t readily admit to making our need for a relationship the centre of our personal universe – but I’m afraid it does happen fairly often amongst seekers of love, especially those in their twenties and early thirties.

If we believe in the dubious concept of ‘the one’ or the ‘soul mate’, we’re already heading for disappointment and disillusion. If such a thing really existed, how come our soul mate left us behind for someone else? How come ‘the one’ has been blowing hot and cold and losing interest? Would God/life/fate/destiny really be that cruel and unreasonable? “Hey, here’s the only one in the entire world for you… but we’re arranging it so that he treats you like dirt and ghosts you!” Or, “Yes, it’s true: there is only one possible, compatible partner for you in this lifetime. Only problem is, he/she lives on the other side of the planet and you’ll never get to meet them.” And, I have to add, the vast majority of people I have heard use the term soul mate are… single. Nice idea, but idealistic and restrictive. Also, because we’re so keen to make this or that person our version of ‘the one’, we overlook most of those things we should be paying attention to. We miss the red flags. Which means that we’re wasting time and emotion.

If we imagine that the buzz of the initial honeymoon period should last forever, we’re going to be sadly and rudely disappointed when real life kicks in – and our soul mate has started to reveal the reality of their inner world. You know, how they really are, habitually, in normal, everyday life. We might still genuinely like them (and vice versa, of course). Or we might realise that they just aren’t for us, or that they just aren’t as into us as we’d ideally like them to be. There is a lot of me-ism in romantic love, as in what we ourselves want, need, and expect from that person. Sometimes they just don’t have it within them, whether or not we like that fact.

If we believe that we should be given unconditional love from a romantic partner, what makes us imagine that we deserve that? Or that it’s even possible? When did we ever, honestly and truthfully, love a partner unconditionally? Tolerating them for the sake of peace, or so as not to lose them, isn’t the same as unconditional love. Putting up with their bad habits or behaviour, whilst feeling inwardly stressed and resentful, is not unconditional love. Of course, acceptance and forgiveness have to be part of a loving relationship, otherwise it can’t survive and thrive. But that still isn’t the same as unconditional romantic love. We don’t give it and we have no right to expect it.

If we can’t be happy in our own shoes, if our emotions are consistently running the show, if we feel that something major is missing from our life – why would we believe that another human being has the capacity, or the desire, to be the solution? That’s a pretty big ask. None of us are without damage, none of us are issue-free, and none of us are getting things right all of the time. So, what do we ourselves bring to the party? We know what we want and expect from our future ‘one’ – but are we up to scratch? If the shoe was on the other foot, would we move heaven and earth for us? Given that the competition for finding love is now so strong, and that every seeker wants the top quality love interest, are we satisfied that we ourselves are being the best version of us that we can be? Not for anyone else’s benefit, of course, but for our own. So that we feel good about ourselves, knowing that we are taking responsibility for our own happiness and self-worth. It might sound harsh, but it’s the reality of the modern world, I’m afraid. One of the online dating organisations conducted a survey, and it emerged that most of the females were chasing twenty percent of the males – obviously the elite, the most desirable/eligible, in their opinion at least. That led to at least three things happening: 1) A lot of women were being rejected and therefore disappointed; 2) Eighty percent of the males on the dating site were perceived as also-rans and less attractive; 3) Many of those in the top layer of males were like the cats who got the cream. They could pick and choose, and so became pretty full of themselves – and therefore more likely to behave badly and unkindly with a love interest (because something ‘better’ could come along at any moment). We shouldn’t expect more than we can offer – but neither should we accept less than we are.

So, clearly, the search for love requires a bit of self-examination and awareness. Going from one love interest to the next with little genuine analysis in between is plain silly. Being open to that which can be learned makes sense, rather than pushing on with our teeth gritted and our fingers crossed. Being smart in our understanding and clean in our energetic approach will make all the difference. We still might not find Mr. Right around the next bend – but at least we’ll feel less wretched and powerless. 

But what exactly do I mean by our ‘energetic approach’? Well, I mean the quality of the energy we bring to the table when seeking a relationship with long-term potential. It isn’t just about the way we look, the things we say and do – it’s also about what we are consistently transmitting. And our transmission is something that comes from within us… much of which can often be unconscious. 

For example, regularly making impactful statements like “I always attract the wrong ones/the cheaters/the liars” is not lost upon our subconscious mind. It is duly noted and recorded. However, if it is actually true (and not just a frustrated generalisation), it is worth further scrutiny and should be presented as a considered question rather than just a statement. Why do I find myself with the kind of guy who is immature and not interested in the idea of commitment, again? What am I transmitting that is drawing this kind of personality to me like a moth to a flame? What is it about them that is silently resonating with me? Many years ago, I ‘accidentally’ attracted six married men, in a row, one after the other. Honestly – I’m not lying. I don’t know why it took so many to show up before I finally stopped and asked myself what the hell I was unwittingly putting out there, like an invisible but highly effective neon sign announcing “men who are already taken stop here.” I had to change something within myself – but not because I was at fault. Because I wanted and needed a different result than the one I was repeatedly getting. 

We can attract control freaks who unconsciously sniff out our vulnerability and inability/unwillingness to stand up for ourselves. We can attract fixers, men who can only function in relationships with broken women. We can attract self-serving, uncompromising, self-obsessed individuals who are energetically drawn to the programming that leads us to habitually tolerate endless amounts of selfish behaviour, and even abuse, from a partner. And the list goes on. Far, far more unspoken communication passes between human beings than that which is spoken or acted out… luring us in, like lambs to the slaughter. Now you understand why analysis and awareness are so important; why blindly pushing on with our eyes closed and our heart wide open is not advisable. 

Of course, the things we believe and the things that we say, on a regular basis, carry plenty of energetic weight, too. I couldn’t tell you, because I lost count long ago, just how many women I’ve heard bitterly announce that all men are bleep-bleep-bleeps, whilst at the same time making it their life’s mission to find and marry one. I’m not making fun of those women (much), because I do get where they’re coming from. However, what sane and reasonable man would want to enter into that minefield? Especially when there are so many other possibilities available out there. Also, when we do this, we’re transmitting a contradictory message and issuing a statement that carries a huge amount of power, where our subconscious mind is concerned. Remember, its job is to listen and to take instruction, file it away, and prove us right – in this case, by aligning us with those men who really are bleep-bleep-bleeps! And we can’t fool it because it responds only to that which we genuinely believe and feel to be true, as opposed to some off-the-cuff remark we make every now and then. Imagine the combined power of repeated thought and word, accompanied by an undercurrent of strong emotion. It’s enough to blow your socks off, baby!

So, if you’re looking for love but it just ain’t showing up, don’t despair, don’t beat yourself up, don’t resort to bitterness and blame – and don’t give up. And don’t see it as evidence of your own lack of worth. Remind yourself that there is someone out there with whom you will, one day, create a future with. Not the ‘only one’, not the soul mate – but a decent human being who is hoping for exactly the same thing from life and love that you are. Love is not a battlefield (as claimed in the song), it is a journey of self-discovery, exploration, growth, compromise, and togetherness. Let’s face it, we don’t hang on to the first dress we ever own, fearing that another will never come along. We don’t go to the gym once in our lifetime and expect to be fit forever. We don’t eat a bit less for a week and imagine that we’ve solved our weight problem. Do we?

The bottom line is, we need to assess whether or not our own house in order, before resorting to hopelessness, blame, and bitterness. Are we simply repeating the same patterns whilst expecting a different result? Are we in too much of a hurry every time we meet a love interest, desperate to pin it down – not allowing ourselves the time that we need to be able to understand the reality of the situation? Do we expect a man to prove himself to us, whilst also expecting him to love, adore, and unconditionally accept us because we’ve been ‘hurt’ in the past? Is there more to the situation than romance and sexual attraction? Is there enough of a basis for friendship, too? Do we like this person as a human being, not just as a romantic partner (something that often isn’t considered)? Lastly, could we raise our standards in line with what we ourselves are bringing to the table so that we aren’t continually attracting the kind of love interest that has only caused us disappointment and pain in the past – regardless of the outer packaging? You bet we could – and should!

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Intuitive consultant, offering predictions with insight and food for thought. Relationship advisor, blogger, and self-published author. With a black belt in kickboxing!

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