I have been giving this subject a lot of thought for some time. After all, a huge number of those who purchase a consultation from me are either looking for love or requesting insight into a love interest. I have also seen the struggles that personal associates have experienced in the search for a decent relationship that has long term potential. The way in which dating is now conducted has changed dramatically over the last 10/15 years, and the rules appear to be confusing and unpredictable… not to mention occasionally cruel!
Is there a way to make the process easier… ?
One of the most common causes of complaint is the love interest who comes on full force – only to suddenly lose interest or start playing mind-games. And, geographical distance seems to present its own problems where developing and conducting a decent relationship is concerned. I have been trying to work out if there are specific steps that could be taken to ensure better results in the search for an honest, healthy relationship… and I think I have come up with the framework of a plan that just might be worth giving a shot!
I think that, if we are experiencing one dating set-back after another, we need to adopt a more clinical approach in the quest for a committed partner! Sounds awful, I know… but idealistic, overly-romanticised thinking is creating mayhem out there, and leading to disappointment and heartache again and again. By clinical I don’t mean cold or defensive: I mean less emotionally reactive. Dreamy notions of soulmates and perfect love are very nice, but they don’t cut much ice in the modern world. People still want to love and be loved, of course (or, at least most do), but everything now moves so fast – and if we want to save ourselves months – years, even – of wasted time and emotional energy, we have to learn how it all actually works… to get with the programme!
Everything in life is a numbers game… including dating. If every potential love interest we meet just has to be ‘the one’, we are going to sink further and further everytime it emerges that they aren’t. Investing too much hope and expectation too soon rarely leads to a great relationship with long-term potential. And it isn’t even necessary, anyway. Why be in such a hurry to pin ourselves down to someone who might not even be the person we could bear to spend our life with, once we get to know them better? That’s not a smart way to approach dating!
Narrow it down…
So, without being too airy-fairy and starry-eyed, and without being unreasonable and self-entitled, what exactly are you looking for in a partner? And I am not just talking about looks, or superficial things – I mean values and standards. Okay, we obviously need to be physically attracted to someone else in order for them to become a love interest in the first place… but what if it turns out that their beliefs or habits go completely against the grain for us? You might be really clean and tidy, but Mr Gorgeous haphazardly leaves skid marks in the toilet and pizza boxes under the couch… and has absolutely no interest in changing. You might daydream about his smile, his sexy eyes, the flirtatious things he says… but discover that the moment you become upset about anything he shuts off or disappears, faster than the speed of light. You might love animals and the natural world – and then realise that the object of your desire stamps on insects and chucks litter out of his car window. He may start off in a highly complimentary way, absolutely enamoured with you – only to start making ‘helpful’ comments about your appearance or opinions the moment he believes he has won you over. We can overlook many things, can compromise in many ways – but when our values are consistently violated, how is that possibly going to work? So, become very familiar in your mind with the kind of partner you are really seeking, and what it is that you yourself have to offer them… and then set about aligning yourself with someone of that ilk. You are not expecting Mr Perfect, or a version of your best female friend with a penis; you are open to a ‘real’ human being, one you are willing to take the time to get to know better… and that person does exist and is out there, right now, as I type these words!
When communicating with a love interest, really pay attention. Listen and observe… not in an obvious way, of course, as if you have them under a microscope – but in a relaxed, quietly observational way. This will be helpful and informative whether you are merely at the chatting/flirting stage, or in the very early stages of dating. Don’t allow sexually charged banter to deflect you. Work out in advance a few key questions you could slip into the conversation in order to gain more insight into how they really look at life, and whilst you don’t need to immediately react to anything you aren’t keen on, neither should you ignore warning signs. Remember, you aren’t looking for love at all and any cost… you are window shopping, with a view to potentially buying! If they start to make it clear at some point that they aren’t that interested in you, don’t take it too personally; after all, it cuts both ways! It is going to happen, so chalk it up to experience and move on… to the next one! And if you recognise that they aren’t really what you are looking for after all, don’t allow it to drag on. You don’t have to be mean or hurtful, but make it clear that you aren’t open to a relationship with them after all.
Too far away…
Be realistic, and be honest with yourself. Yes, some long-distance relationships do work out, but many more do not. Especially when the two people involved have never met, or only occasionally. Would you really be in a position to up sticks and move across the country – or even the world -in order to be with your love interest? Could you afford it, would you be happy to leave your family and friends behind? Would you expect them to be the one to upend their life, and would you be willing to take the risk anyway, given that it might not even work out in the end? Before falling head over heels for someone who lives miles away, consider the practicality of it all. And if you still believe that love can conquer all, allow yourself adequate time to really get to know them better, before becoming invested in dreamy plans that are, realistically speaking, never likely to unfold, given the bottom-line facts. Now, the problem with this is that a lot of people cross paths with a love interest on the internet… and they aren’t all located within driving distance. If you live in an area where the pickings seem to be slim, at least try and narrow things down a bit. Decide how far you’d be willing to travel, or expect someone else to. Also, could your love interest afford to travel, on a consistent basis? Are they employed, and do they have access to a vehicle, or would it have to be public transport? These might seem to be tough, soulless questions, but the point is to reduce time-wasting and disappointment! If a relationship is genuinely meant to be, it probably will be… with ongoing effort and commitment on both sides.
Fancying someone isn’t enough…
It’s a fact; fancying someone isn’t enough, even if they fancy us back. An actual relationship requires much more, and it takes a little time to suss the important things out. The more time we waste with situations that are never going to work out, and people with whom we aren’t enough aligned to develop something with potential longevity, the longer it will take us to find the kind of relationship we are really seeking.
Looking back is usually a bad idea…
An ex is usually an ex for a very good reason. Sometimes though, it feels less overwhelming to look backward than it does forward. Better the devil we know, as they say. The thought of starting all over again in the search for a committed relationship can feel daunting – impossible, even. When stuck between the two stools of the past and the future, it is odd how many times the stuff we have left behind suddenly seems so appealing! More often than not it is better to be brave enough to step into that scary ocean called The Unknown, and start swimming. If you could love once, you can love again; if you have been loved once, you will be loved again. Remember: life, and love, is a numbers game!
Also, if you are still hung up on an ex, or blistering about having been hurt in the past, you have to ask yourself if there is any room in your heart and mind for a potential long-term partner. You might not be yearning for the ex to return, but, if you are still re-running the old movie of that relationship, and consistently revisiting the hurt/anger/disappointment, whilst looking for a new relationship – you are emitting a contradictory energetic request to the creative force of life. It won’t pick through it all to figure out what you really mean, or what you really want… it just responds to the most emotionally highly charged ‘message’ because that is how it works. Words alone are not powerful enough where manifestation is concerned; we have to really feel, and if what we are really feeling is more connected to what has already been and gone, there isn’t enough energy to allocate to our desire for the new. And, even when we say, “but I tried that and it didn’t work”, you can bet your bottom dollar that we weren’t being clear and consistent enough, and maybe even harbouring a lot of underlying doubt and impatience. I know all about this stuff – been there and done it! It isn’t easy but with practice it can become so natural to us that we use it in every area of our life, especially when we are seeking to achieve something specific. However, there is something I have noticed about the process of creative manifestation (it makes sense to me that something has to exist energetically before it can manifest physically): it doesn’t always come about in the way that we think it should. We might believe that there is only one possible way for our desired outcome to take shape and form and become fixated on the idea. This could lead us to be closed and resistant to any other avenue of possibility, even missing out on something that could be exactly what we were looking for! Get to know your future partner before you even cross paths with them, without turning them into a fantasy figure. And, be open to the idea that they might not tick every single box, but enough of them! Of course, you are still going to have to get to know them well enough to be sure that this is the person you have been waiting for, and not just a partial version. Patience is a virtue!
A helping hand…
As well as taking a considered approach to dating, it can be useful to gain a bit of intuitive insight into a particular situation or person… a bit of food for thought. You might want to clarify your own feelings, or have your suspicions confirmed. You might be afraid to trust your own judgement, or be afraid of reading too much into your love interest’s intentions. I have a listing that will provide extra insight and information, an intuitive assessment that will allow you to maybe recognise some things that you aren’t currently seeing or understanding, or present the situation in a clearer light: My Love Interest – What Can You See And Feel, And Will It Go Anywhere? It certainly can’t hurt to have access to a neutral source of insight, and a bit of a sneak preview of some of the possibilities that lie ahead!