Why fixating on love – or lack of – seriously holds us back!

If you have been fixating on your love life – especially lack of – you will already know how exhausting and soul-destroying it can be! The good news is, if you can wean yourself off the habit, you are much more likely to end up achieving what you originally hoped for… and maybe even more.

To start with, you might have to secretly admit to yourself that you have been focusing far too much attention on this area of your life, without having to divulge that truth to others (although those closest to you will probably be harbouring a sneaking suspicion!). If you can move beyond any denial, defensiveness, and justification, you will be operating from a much happier and more powerful place (more about that later). 

For now, think about some of the things you might think or say, about a less than fulfilling love life?

When am going to meet someone to settle down with?

When am I going to meet the person who is right for me?

Am I ever going to find a partner who accepts me for who I am?

Am I just going to end up alone?

Why is it so easy for other people to find love, when I can’t?

Why did I believe that I had found the right one… only to be disappointed – again?

Why do I meet all of the wrong ones?

Why are none of the guys I am attracted to interested in settling down?

Why do guys talk to me for a few days (online) and then back off?

What’s the matter with ME??? Or THEM???? ARRHHHH!!

But, it isn’t all just about actually meeting someone and developing a relationship – is it? There are other complications that could potentially be getting in the way.   

For example, say you believe that all men are liars who are absolutely sure to let you down… whilst still seriously craving a relationship with ‘the one’. This belief, combined with the yearning, is going to create a blockage in the flow of the energetic stream of the romantic relationship aspect of your life (yep, everything has its own individual energy field, within the overall energy field of our life!). Obviously, you will have reached your conclusion about all men being liars through past experience – but, is it at all possible that your perspective is distorted? 

If there are approximately 3.5 billion males on the planet, have you actually had direct experience of all of those who could be considered possible suitors for you – after all, they could run into the thousands, maybe even millions? Well, the answer is probably going to be a resounding ‘no’… how the hell would it even be possible to round up every single male of the relevant age, culture, status etc, and then try them all on for size, narrowing it down to a selection who fit (metaphorically speaking), before choosing ‘the one’? Obviously it wouldn’t be possible, and yes, I am being facetious… but you get where I am coming from with this, don’t you?

The fact is, you will have come across some men who are liars, and they will be the ones that stick in your mind like bubble-gum on the sole of your shoe. If you are going to approach every potential love situation with this belief, and on the assumption that it is the other person’s job to prove themselves to you before you decide to trust them, a happy ending is unlikely. A trustworthy love interest is going to buckle under the weight of mistrust, and the untrustworthy love interest is going to be rubbing his hands with glee – because he will rise to the challenge (which he loves), persuading you of his worthiness, only to tire of the game and end up showing his true colours. And here is an interesting (supposed) fact: research has shown that trustworthy partners can sometimes be driven to become the very person that they are being accused of being, by a suspicious partner (I heard it on Dr Phil’s show, so it must be true!). 

So, what’s the answer? Leaving ourselves open to every Tom, Dick, or Harry that crosses our path, fingers crossed, hoping for the best? Of course not. We start by trusting ourselves not to rush in where angels fear to tread, instead giving ourselves time to genuinely get to understand the love interest’s agenda, before coming to any conclusions. It is impatience, and – dare I say it, risking a potential backlash – even maybe a tiny touch of desperation, that tends to make us believe that we are automatically vulnerable to untrustworthy romantic interests; if we are investing too much, too soon, we now potentially have something to lose… and it is that that creates our feeling of vulnerability, rather than the situation itself. And, also, if you think about it, the vicious circle created by the I-want-a-relationship-but-I-don’t-trust-anyone syndrome has the capacity to hold anyone prisoner… and drive them crazy. 

So, does any of the above help, or change things? No-one could truthfully say no, it never does – there are always the odd exceptions to the rule – but generally speaking, the answer is more likely to be no than yes. 

So, why is that?

Because, our most repeated thoughts, feelings, and actions, especially those that are particularly highly emotionally-charged, help to create the energy field from which we operate. And that energy field reaches out and communicates with those of other people, in a silent but sometimes deadly way. And of course, our most repeated thoughts, words and actions also create and strengthen our beliefs… which then, in turn, further encourage the thoughts, words, and actions that created them in the first place… causing the whole thing to go round and round in an ever-expanding circle – which isn’t a good thing if the contents of the circle is pooping on the very thing we claim we want the most! 

The truth is, if we are focusing too intently, on a consistent basis, upon our need to have a committed relationship (soon, now, yesterday!), we begin to emit an invisible but powerful energy that is repellant – a repellant energy that can actually be a strong attractor of the opposite of what we are seeking. Which is either no-one, nothing, zilch… or, the kind of person who is a reflection of the very thing we most hope to avoid (deep down inside, that is, because it won’t be immediately obvious!). However, if we are open to the idea of a committed relationship, whilst honestly and truthfully focusing on our own life, our own ideas, plans and goals, we will be sending out a completely different ‘message’… one that works in a very different way!

Now, this is where absolute self-honesty is concerned! Could any of the following possibly apply to you?

You believe that having a committed relationship will make everything in your life right.

You are often distracted, not really giving your best to certain areas of your life, because your love life isn’t the way you wish it was.

You feel that a committed relationship will make you ‘whole’.

You have a list of things that the ‘right’ person will be and do, and an expectation of how the relationship with that person will function.

You feel that something is missing from your life that can only be provided by a relationship.

You often feel bored and frustrated, but believe that both will disappear when you are in a committed relationship.

You feel under pressure from family or friends, and a failure because you are still single.

You regularly feel envious of others who are already in committed relationships.

You fear that you are running out of time.

You feel hurt or angry that your ex is already involved in a new relationship, and embarrassed because you aren’t.

You believe that a committed relationship will make up for lack of love or care in your childhood.

You think you will feel better about yourself when someone else loves you.

There isn’t anything wrong with the above (though if you said yes to all of them, that might be a tad worrying!) – it is just that they aren’t conducive to helpful feelings of self-worth and independence. And let’s face it, to attract the kind of partner who possesses the qualities that would cause us to want to commit to them, we need to ask ourselves what qualities he or she should also expect to find within us. Let’s face it, most people are going to end up in some kind of relationship, sooner or later… but will it be one worth having? And a person who is not just going through the motions of life whilst waiting for Mr or Mrs Right to show up is going to be a far more interesting proposition as a partner than one who is. Except, of course, to the person who is also going through the motions of life, just waiting for Mr or Mrs Right to show up – which, on that basis, is unlikely to produce a particularly inspirational coupling!

Having said that, I have worked with a number of women, mostly in their late twenties or thirties, who appear to be independent and successful, having forged great careers and a satisfying life… but who are still yearning to find a compatible, long-term partner – and they are often secretly worrying more about that than any other area of their life! So yes, it is true that adopting an ambitious and independent approach doesn’t automatically guarantee freedom from agonising over an absent love life… but it certainly expands our horizons, and makes life more comfortable and interesting!

A bit more food for thought…

There is one more problem that fixating on our romantic life can throw up: the temptation to hang on to a going-nowhere, on-off situation with a less than ideal love interest, convincing ourselves that they really are the one (despite evidence to the contrary, and in the absence of a better proposition). I have seen far too many frustrated love-seekers getting stuck in that particular bottle-neck!

So, going back to what I said about how moving beyond denial, defensiveness, and justification allows us to operate from a happier, more powerful place – it just has to be preferable to the mantra of, ‘when am I going to meet someone, when am I going to meet someone, when am I going to meet someone?’, over and again, even if we are only chanting in our mind (hiding something away doesn’t mean that it ceases to exist!). If we are going to give ourselves a chance of ultimately crossing paths with a compatible, mutually supportive partner, we need to align ourselves accordingly – and we do that by focusing on becoming the best version of ourselves, and by making the most of the life that we have. I have seen how this mindset ripples out to positively impact upon all areas of a person’s life – including love life – many times. By expanding our horizons we achieve more, grow in self-belief, and cross paths with a broader range of people… including potential love interests. And no, I cannot guarantee that this will definitely ensure that we will meet the love of our life… but it certainly gives us a greater fighting chance, and is energetically so much better for us than operating from the same old place, brooding over the same old stuff…. just waiting, waiting, waiting…

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be in a decent, solid relationship – we are programmed for it, wired that way. But we might as well make the process as interesting and productive as possible – and accept one cold, hard fact: it takes as long as it takes, for each unique, individual soul. Your friend may meet the genuine love of her life years before you do… it is just the way it is I am afraid, and kicking against it won’t make a jot of difference. And I have to say, I personally don’t know of anyone who met the love of their life on a dating site (I know that people do, but I personally haven’t seen it occur amongst those I associate with) – but I have seen lots of people find love in unexpected places, many of whom had tried dating sites without any success. For example, I met my partner at a motorbike rally (admittedly having gone there with a guy I met on a dating site – but, in my defence, we were only friends!); a friend met a guy at a bbq hosted by a neighbour; another met her partner through fitness classes, having been what I can only describe as wounded, and stripped of all self-esteem, courtesy of online dating sites! 

If you want to check whether or not you are falling into any of the most common but painful dating pot-holes, check out my booklet-blog, ATTRACTION AND DATING: 6 POTENTIAL PITFALLS TO BE AWARE OF… AND AVOID!

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An intuitive consultant/life improvement adviser, a lover of motorbikes, Formula 1, music, writing, reading, walking, camping and ongoing self - improvement!

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