Tough-love questions about the search for soulmate love!

If you really want to attract the kind of relationship that has genuine, positive, long-term potential… if you even just want to remove the angst and drama from your would-be love life, turning it into a more relaxed and enjoyable process… my advice would be to place your focus on yourself, and your personal development and growth! There is something very attractive about an individual who has good things going on, and who has a passion and enthusiasm for life, and who has genuine hopes and dreams – at least, that is, TO another person who also has a bit of oomph in life! And not only that, the one who has something productive going on is generally less likely to be absorbed by the need to have a relationship at any cost, or a burning desire for commitment.

If you believe, deep down inside, that a relationship has the power (and the responsibility) to make you a better version of yourself, to make you happy, to fill a void within you, to give your life meaning, you might have been labouring under a bit of a misapprehension about how it all should work! 

If, however, you don’t need to be reminded that you are a unique soul who came into this world alone (alone, not lonely), and who will leave this world alone (not lonely), a soul who’s existence is not solely about finding another soul to make the sole reason for its existence… you will understand something about what I am saying!

Most of us seem to know exactly what we expect from love, and from a future partner… but how deeply have we examined ourselves? In line with our beliefs, attitude, approach, behaviour, habits and tendencies, are we up to the job, where our ideal, hoped-for love is concerned? Do we actually deserve what we believe we deserve, where romantic love is concerned? We know for sure that there is a ton of competition out there – millions of people, if not billions, not too dissimilar from ourselves, are also looking for the love of their lives. Why should a person with all of the qualities and attributes we want, actually want us? And if we are absolutely sure that we are already the best version of our current selves that we can possibly be, and that yes, we do deserve the person of our dreams, can we also say that we aren’tcontinuing to involve ourselves in painful situations with individuals who are clearly not what we believe we deserve? And if we can’t truthfully say that we aren’t involving ourselves with those individuals… the question has to be, why? 


What if our one supposed ‘soulmate’ actually does exist? Has God made sure that they are living within walking distance, a post-it note slapped on their forehead, just in case we drift past them on the street? 

Or has God arranged things in such a way that both parties will definitely show up somewhere on the planet, at the same time, and that both will definitely recognise and accept the soulmate connection? 

However, what if fate has decided that our one soulmate will decide to hang on to a relationship with a soul who isn’t us, even whilst claiming that we are the love of their life? Would that then mean that they aren’t actually our one soulmate after all? 

And what if it turns out that our one soulmate is living on the other side of the planet, part of a completely different culture, speaking a language we couldn’t even begin to understand, forever unaware of our existence – would that just be the work of a cruel and spiteful cosmos, determined to keep true lovers from each other… or could it be that maybe we’ve got it a little bit wrong, and that actually, the term soulmate means something rather different than the modern, popular interpretation? Is it possible that it is that interpretation that is actually causing us more pain and sorrow than we ideally want to experience? Let’s face it, if we genuinely believe that our one soulmate is out there, but either they are determined to stay with someone else (regardless of whether or not they are happy), or we just can’t even find them… we are going to struggle with what we believe to be true about life, aren’t we? And that realisation could unconsciously lead us to convince ourselves that a difficult, dysfunctional relationship is actually our destiny; that, because it is intense, and because it hurts, but is also scattered with occasional loving moments, then it must be meaningful. It is definitely a tricky and potentially painful pathway, the search for the one romantic soulmate… a pathway that many feel they should be following, because they believe that it is the only possible way to find true love.

However, what could happen, if we fell in love with our own lives, and all of the incredibly interesting possibilities and potentials? What if we accepted the fact that, logically speaking, there are dozens, probably even hundreds or thousands, of would-be compatible suitors out there in the world, who would be the right fit for us, and vice versa? Obviously, we are unlikely to get to meet them all, but still, they are out there. If our own personal world is small, and if our thinking and consistent action taking is predictable, then we are limiting ourselves in more ways than one; our experiences, and our choices, will be much narrower than they need to be. The more ground we cover in life, the broader our horizons, and the wider the scope of opportunity… which in turn will lead us to cross paths with a variety of people we might not have otherwise met – including love interests! It isn’t just about putting ourselves out there in the world, from behind a phone or laptop, as in on dating sites, it is about the quality of energy we put into the creation of our own lives. This is particularly relevant to those who say, “I just want to find someone, settle down and be happy… but why is that not happening?”. Well, at least partly because the energy that lies behind that statement is coming from a place of survival and need… and fear. It isn’t very ‘rock and roll’, as they say – it isn’t even a tad inspirational, or aspirational. 


Which leads me to one last thought on the subject, something that has just clicked with me: there is something lazy about the desire for the one soulmate, because the implication is that love will be easy with this magical person, who will understand and accept us without question or challenge, who will know what we’re thinking and feeling without the need for argument or difficult communication, and who will always be there for us, unconditionally.  If all of that could be true, we wouldn’t have to put in very much effort at all to maintain the relationship, as it changes shape and form along the way. On the other hand, we can also use the one soulmate idea to excuse a clearly dysfunctional relationship, with: “I know that this relationship is a mess… but you see, he/she is my soulmate, and so I just have to stick with it”. The question is, who decides who is our soulmate and who isn’t? The answer is: we do… and we can come up with any interpretation that validates our story!

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An intuitive consultant/life improvement adviser, a lover of motorbikes, Formula 1, music, writing, reading, walking, camping and ongoing self - improvement!

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